Moments.....

Here I am. A wife to a man that is truly my other half. I'm a mother to three amazing kids. Their ages are 4yrs, 2yrs and 6mo and each day, as the aggressive clock of life ticks away, I become more and more aware that my little kids are getting bigger....older. I feel like the ticking of this clock is set on high; the sound blasting through a megaphone, penetrating the auditory nerves and shooting an unforgivable pain down my spine. I've realized that my children can't stay small forever and it terrifies me. I'm terrified that the moments of my children's lives, as precious as every moment is and will be, wont be remembered the way they should be. The smile, kiss, hugs, laughs...all of this will not be remembered in the most vibrant way as when it occurred that very second. I remember the day my first child was born. I remember his beautiful face looking up at me. His eye's squinting from the bright lights and his little body curled up next to mine. But I can't remember his sweet smell. The way that very moment was is forever a distant memory and as my children get older, so does my memory of the early days. I try to remember though. I always reminisce the days of their births, first steps, words etc. I keep my memories stored in files within my mind. It's much like a filing cabinet , really. A filing cabinet in my mind where the most recent memories are stored in a file that is placed front and center; easily accessible. Memories from years ago are placed in a file towards the back of my mind. I have to search and dig for these memories but once their retrieved it is that moment played all over and the elation of that day is once again.
Before having children I was a different person. I was someone that allowed things to happen, turned my back at what was important and filled my desires with wants instead of needs. My children have made me better. Sure, there are times when I'm ready to pull my hair out; the baby wont let me put him down, my 2yr old throwing a tantrum and my 4yr old demanding something I can't get to him quick enough BUT these three children have taught me patience, love and what happiness on this Earth is all about. When ever the kids and I go outside I like to sit back and watch them. Their curiosity for life and all that is around them is exciting. A butterfly that passes grabs their attention. They begin their enchanted journey following this butterfly, hiding behind trees and rolling in the grass. Their enjoying life in the most simplest, purest way. It's great to watch. These precious moments go by so fast and I hate the fact that I can't freeze time. I try to savor each hug and smile the moment it happens. Sure, I can hug them a million more times but nothing will capture that very moment. Sometimes when I hug my children I just can't let go. Letting go would mean that the moment is gone and I have to rely on my memory to keep it fresh. A giggle and soft squeeze from my daughter brings me to reality and I reluctantly let her go. So I guess my problem is with time. Time is unchanging. Time is constant....constantly moving forward. Somehow in the flow of life I am expected to except this process that is guaranteed to make my children grow up. Every fiber of my being wont let me except it. So, here I am...a wife and mother trying to balance life on one hand; painfully watching as time robs me of my moments and hoping to come to terms with this reality. For now I have those special moments filed away nice and neat inside my mind but most of all I have it all tucked deep within my heart.